Zeus and Hera: Marriage Counseling
by B. D. Legan
Summary: *crack!fic* Pink ponies, rainbows, and man voices - oh my! The title says it all. Hera decides it's time to visit the marriage counselor. How does Zeus react? Well, let's just say... crazy times are on the way!
1. The First Visit

**Yes, this is a _crack!fic_. Yes, the characters are very OOC. Yes, I seemingly have no sense of humour. :D **

**And well, this is what happens when Hera takes Zeus to counseling. **

**Edited on 6/8/12 for overall quality control. **

* * *

"Zeus honey, are you almost ready to go?" a melodious voice called from the living room. It had a velvety quality to it, like spoiled milk. Definitely spoiled milk.

I mumbled something unintelligible about "granny panties" as I burrowed further beneath the cocoon of covers, snuggling with Mr. Cuddles the unicorn.

"You're not still in bed, are you?" the voice asked. It was so soothing, like fingernails scraping against a chalk board. I heard a pair of heels click into the bedroom impatiently, and sensed a figure hovering over me.

"Zeus," it whispered, breathing down my neck. A cold chill raced down my spine. It took a deep breath, then shouted, "WE HAVE AN APPOINTMENT! WE HAVE TO GO NOW!"

I shot up like a comet, breaking free of the cover-restraints, goose bumps covering every inch of my body. You see, it wasn't a _normal _shout. It's what we Olympians collectively agreed to call the _"Man Voice"_. _Hera's_ man voice.

My immortal wife stood in front of me, her arms crossed over her chest. Her lips were pursed and her eyes bore signs of agitation. Nothing more dangerous than an irritated goddess. She raised a chocolate eyebrow, waiting for my response.

I struggled to formulate an answer. Do I play nice, kind husband, or flirty, bad boy husband? "Uh, that dress looks nice on you. Really shows off your—" I paused momentarily "—curves, your curves. You look _sexy_!"

She rolled her eyes. "We're leaving in five minutes. I expect you to be ready by then. _Or else_." She turned on her heels and paraded out the room, slamming the heavy door behind her.

I took a deep breath, realizing I'd been holding it. Hera's breath was _STANKY! _

I got up and put on one of my signature pin stripped suit, then combed my beard. _Every girl crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man, right?_

I sat down on the bed, causing it to creak and groan. How could Hera take me to marriage counseling? I was the world's best husband, for crying out loud!

I sniffed the air—something was burning. I looked down, realizing my beard had caught fire in all the excitement. _Deep breath, deep breath. _

"I'm ready, darlin'!" I yelled, strutting out of our bedroom. I grabbed my suit jacket from the coat closet and slid it on, grabbing Hera's hand as I pulled her out of the house.

She kept the sour look on her face. She never broke character (because she was obviously merely _acting _like she's developed a nasty taste for me).

"Can I please get _CosmoGod_? I _love_ their articles!" I begged as we passed a newsstand. I nodded to Hermes, who was leaning against the stand, reading a newspaper. He mustered a small smile as he made a quick excuse, then scurried away. Everyone was so intimidated by me!

"Why would you want that garbage?" Hera asked, frowning at the glossy cover.

"It keeps me up-to-date on the current events!" I explained, giving her a crooked grin.

She rolled her eyes and let loose an exasperated sigh, but picked up a copy of _CosmoGod_ from the newsstand. She also picked up a copy of _Marriage Weekly, _the magazine she published. She always insisted I read it, but I couldn't stomach it. It was…_ icky. _

She handed the tabloid to me rather forcefully, and then powerwalked away.

I looked at the cover of _CosmoGod_, shaking with excitement at the newest edition. What articles were in store this week? Front and center, Percy and Annabeth were hand in hand, smiling in their blissful ignorance. They were Aphrodite's favorite subject. The caption read, _"The Triumphs of Teenage Love"._

In the corner of _CosmoGod_ was a picture of me and some Naiad. The caption read, _"Zeus Takes Yet Another Girl… What About Hera?"_ I tried to remember when the picture was taken. I'd been pretty good lately. Then I remembered—it was Dionysus's birthday. I allowed him one day of freedom and man—he went _crazy_! Most of the party was a blur—centaurs in party dresses, satyrs in bikinis… Mix that with necter, and well, you get one _Hades _of a night.

I glanced up—Hera was fading into the crowd. I cursed as I hurried to catch up with her. Finally, me out of breath, she stopped. "We're here, honey!" she proclaimed, her voice as sweet as honey. Or maybe vinegar? I get the two confused.

She opened the door and walked inside. I stood there, transfixed by the sign. It was glowing neon with flashing lights and swirling colors. The words _"Marriage Counseling" _blinked on and off, proceeded by a picture of a happy couple smiling. By gods, what madness is this?

I stepped inside the decrepit building, my eyes closed, dreading the inside of the place.

"Zeus, the doctor is waiting for you. Hera's already in there," a polite voice said. I felt a pair of hands take mine and start to lead me. I cracked my eyes open, and had a sensory overload. Everything was covered in pink. And not light, baby pink—this was hot, _neon _pink. I started to sway, dizzied by the color.

"Can I get some help? The King is unstable!" the voice shouted. I tried to locate it. There was a pair of floating hands clenched around mine, but they weren't attached to a body.

I felt another set of hands grip my shoulders as a new voice said, "It takes some getting used to. But then again, I'm only hands. Toughen up, big boy."

The hands pushed me through a door and into an office looking thing. This time, the color scheme was black and that same atrocious neon pink.

I sat down on a squishy heart shaped chair and looked around. Hanging around the office were various pictures of an old… _person_—gender unknown—posing with different couples. I was able to pick out Aphrodite with Hephaestus, Aphrodite with Ares, and Poseidon with Amphitrite.

"Your picture would top off my collection, I'm sure," a voice said. It was an odd combination of fingernails screeching across a chalk board and _Elvis_.

I looked up and saw the man/woman/thing that was in all the pictures. I tried to smile and wave a little at it.

"There's no need to be shy," he/she said. "By the end of this session, we'll all know things we didn't know before." Then it smiled; its teeth were so white, I had trouble concentrating.

"That's wonderful, Bee," Hera said. I glanced to my left. She was practically beaming at the strange figure in front of me. "Zeus honey, this is my friend, Bee. Bee is the one who always goes with me to the marriage conventions. We go way back." She and the thing laughed like a couple giddy school girls.

"Are you a man or a woman?" I asked, raising a brow.

He/she and Hera laughed again, as if they were sharing some sort of inside joke. "Well Zeus, I like to keep my gender a mystery, that way I'm not biased to one or the other."

"But which one are you?" I asked, becoming concerned that my wife had spent so much time with this unusual being.

"I guess that is for you to decide!" it cackled. "Now then, let's get down to business. First of all, you both must admit that there's a problem. Can you do that?"

"I admit there's a problem," Hera said, folding her arms across her chest.

"Good, good," Bee said, patting Hera's knee. "Now Zeus, what about you?"

"I don't see a problem here," I said louder than necessary.

"HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE A PROBLEM?" Hera yelled at me in her man voice. _Again. _I cowered in my seat, my teeth clattering.

"Hera darling, there's no need to yell. Zeus, do you honestly think this is the perfect marriage? Are you completely happy with everything?" Bee asked, plopping down on my lap.

"Erm," I muttered, wiggling under the genderless counselor. "I guess… ut seems fine to me." Hera gave me a dirty look. Not wanting to be yelled at again, I quickly added, "There may be a _slight _problem in our marriage."

"Good, good. Now then, step two," Bee said, stroking my beard. "Let's talk about our feelings. Hera, you first."

"Gladly, Bee. Well, Zeus is all the time going off and having kids with mortals and—"

"THAT WAS ONE TIME!" I shouted, my beard sparking. Bee yanked its hand away, instead resting it on my cheek.

Hera, ignoring me, said, "And I just don't like that. You don't see me going off and doing that, do you? And another thing, if you look at this magazine—"she took CosmoGod from my hands "—you'll see Zeus and a random Naiad together. I can only imagine how many other times this has happened. I'm fed up."

"Good, good. It's fabulous to express your feelings. You never want to keep them bottled up. Zeus, your turn," Bee said, leaning its head on my shoulder.

"Okay, Bee," I began, tilting my head away from him/her. "I'm sick and tired of Hera always nagging me about everything! _'Go talk to your kids… Get off of that couch… Quit eating all the ambrosia…'_ One thing she never seems to run out of is complaints!"

"It's not like I'm asking you to clean the toilet! I'm barely asking you to do anything at all!"

"Hera, it's not your time to speak," Bee snapped. "Zeus, anything else you'd like to add?"

"Uh… not right now."

"Okay Hera, you may speak again if you'd like."

"Thanks Bee. All I really want is Zeus to pay attention to me! Whenever we go to fancy diner parties, his eyes are always on some other woman. I just want…. I just want…" Hera's voice cracked. All at once, she started sobbing.

I looked at Bee and mouthed, _'What am I supposed to do?'_ He/she motioned for me to hug Hera, so I did. Bee wouldn't get up from my lap, so hugging Hera was slightly awkward with it in the middle. Shortly thereafter, Hera stopped crying.

I whispered, "I'm sorry Hera Beara."

She laughed at the old nickname and smiled wistfully.

"I never knew…"

"Oh Zeuy! I'm sorry. I never told you anything. How was I supposed to expect you to understand when you had no idea?"

We both laughed and cried, Bee egging on our influx of emotions.

A few minutes later, Bee said, "I'd say my work here is done. How about I schedule another appointment for next Tuesday? Then we can see how things are going."

"You're a miracle worker, Bee!" I said as I stood up, shooing him/her off of me politely.

"Yes, I know," it said, flipping its hair in a Beiber-esque fashion. That was one son of Apollo I adored. _'I was like baby, baby, baby, oh!' "_Now then, I've got to have a picture with you guys!" Bee produced a camera from the folds of its pink overcoat.

Once the picture was done printing, Bee hung it on the wall. My eyes were all red and puffy. Crying looked good on me!

"Thanks Bee!" Hera and I yelled as we walked out of the office.


	2. Makeover Time!

**Thanks to everyone who has reviewed so far! I had no idea this would be so popular!**

**I tried to write this chapter in Hera's POV, but it just didn't click, so it's Zeus's POV!**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own the gods or Macy's...**

"See, didn't that help?" Hera asked.

"Yeah, sure it did." I said, my voice a tad on the sarcastic side.

"Yes, I thought so too!" she said.

Hera stopped to talk to one of her friends and left me standing here. A woman with a red dress and blonde hair came out of a bathroom. She had a piece of toilet paper stuck to her high heeled shoe. Every time she walked, it followed her. A smile crossed my face and the toilet paper lady smiled back at me. Then she decided she was going to try to walk like a model. The toilet paper swung around and I started laughing. She gave me a confused look and then looked down at her shoe. Her face turned bright red and she ran away.

"ZEUS! WHERE YOU LOOKING AT THAT GIRL?!?" Hera asked in her man voice. She really loves that.

"She had toilet paper on her shoe!" I said.

She looked at the girl who was fading into the crowd. Her gaze softened. "Okay, you're off the hook this time." Then she said, "I've made reservations for Au Granite de Lou for seven o'clock this evening. It's formal night, so I need to go dress shopping. I think it would do you some good to come with me." Hera told me as she walk away.

Dress shopping? Are you serious? Ugh… I set off in the direction that Hera took off. I thought I had lost her until I glimpsed her walking into a store. I looked up at the sign, "Macy's". I just stood there staring, thing about what horrors waited inside.

I didn't even notice the lady that came out of the store and led me inside. "Lord Zeus, are you looking for a complete makeover, or are you just here for some more suits?"

"Uh…" Hera's picking out a new dress. It's a new step in our relationship. "Make me over!" I shouted, a wee bit louder than necessary. My beard started sparking. Calm down, calm down. Don't get so excited. I mentally slapped myself. Then I mentally shook my head and said thanks.

"Are you okay?" the lady asked me.

"Oh, yes of course. Why do you ask?"

"You had a weird look on your face. If you need a bathroom, it's right over there." She pointed to a door.

I laughed, remembering the lady and toilet paper incident. "No, no. I do not need a bathroom!"

"Alrighty then, what look do you want to go with?"

"Hmm… surprise me!" I said.

The lady smiled. She pushed me into a dressing room and threw some clothes at me. I didn't even look at them as I slid them on. I came out and stared at the mirror. The lady asked, "What do you think?"

I looked at my reflection. I was wearing Bermuda shorts, a Hawaiian shirt, sandals with socks, and a glass of nectar. "I look like my brother!" I shouted, my beard igniting. I took a deep breathe, calm down…

The lady was cowering behind a chair. Once I was completely flame free, she came out and said, "I just thought that if you and Poseidon both looked alike, you might get along better."

"Are you insisting my brother and I are not on well terms?" I asked, my beard sparking again.

"No, I just though- I was just- PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!" she squeaked.

Wow, this girl was really scared of me. "I'm sorry," I said. I didn't want to lose her fashion expertise.

"Umm… I'll get someone else to help you." she said as she scampered away.

A few minutes later, a new girl came out. She was wearing all black; black hair, black eyeliner, black pants with chains hanging down, black shirt, and black biker boots. "Try these on for size." she said.

I stepped into the dressing room, slightly because I was afraid of her, and slightly because I couldn't wait to see what she picked out.

I threw on the clothes and leaped outside. I gazed into the mirror. "Whoa!" was all I could say. I was an exact replica of the girl standing in front of me. Right down to the spiked bracelets.

"Ya like it?" she asked.

I could get used to this! "ZEUS? WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?" a man voice yelled at me.

I whipped around. Hera was standing there with the first girl that helped me. "Hera!"

"What are you doing?"

"Trying on clothes! I think this is the look!" I said.

"Uh, NO! Take these clothes off immediately!" she yelled. "Darla can help you find something suitable. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go try on some more dresses."

Hera walked off with my black inspired helper. It was just me and Darla. Darla was standing in a corner looking scared. "Help me find some more clothes!" I commanded.

"If you ask me nicely." she said.

I sighed, "PLEASE!"

"Okay!" she skipped away and came back with some more clothes. "Try these."

I took the clothes and went into the dressing room again. I came out and looked into the mirror. I was a cowboy! I had on a plaid shirt, Levi pants, stirrups, boots, a vest, and a cowboy hat.

"Hmm, you know what? That look is not for you…" she got a new bunch of clothes and handed them to me. I went back into the dressing room and tried them on. I came back out and looked. I was wearing a pin stripped suit that was a shade darker than my old one.

"This is perfect!" I said. I walked away and tried to find Hera.

"Wait!" Darla yelled. "You have to take those off before you can buy them!"

"Oh, how embarrassing!" I said and changed back into my regular suit. I walked away and tried to find Hera again.

Hera was waiting for me, a big bag in her hand. "Come on. I've got to get to the salon. I'm having my hair done."

I paid for my suit and we walked to the salon. "Honey, you're getting a trim, too."

Hera walked over and sat in a chair. "Zeus, I'm ready for you!" a voice said. I turned. Aphrodite was standing in front of a chair motioning for me to set down.

I sat down and Aphrodite asked, "What look are we going for, shug?"

"Uh… I got a new suit. It's a bit darker than this one."

"Okay! We'll trim the beard and- It'll be a surprise!"

She put a pair of blindfolds on me so I couldn't see. Several hours later, she took my blindfolds off. I looked at my appearance. My usually messy beard was braided into a long strand. My hair was also braided the same way as my beard was, and my eyebrows were trimmed to perfection. My mustache was shorter and I looked great!

"Thanks Dite!" I shouted as I looked for Hera. She was no where to be found.

"She went home to get ready for your big date!"

"Okay!" I ran out the door and down the street to our house.

**Well, hopefully you guys liked this... If you guys have some ideas for next chapter you can tell me because I'm going to continue writing this story. Oh yeah, check out my other story currently in progress, The Seven Treasures of Kronos**

**Thanks SOOOOOOOO much!!!!!!**

**P.S.**

**I know this chapter is not very funny... don't worry. Next chapter they're going to Bee's, so you know what that means. Please review!**


	3. Visit Number Two

**DISCLAIMER: PJATO does not belong to me. Bee is my own character!**

"Now then Zeus, please tell me what's been going on with this past week." the man/woman formally know as Bee asked.

"Oh, where to begin?" I said. "Well, let's see… my makeover went pretty good. And so did Hera's. We both looked pretty spiffy!" I looked over at Hera. She was wearing a new dress that she bought. It was purple, blue, and green and she looked fabulous!

"Zeusy Pie! Snap out of it!" Bee commanded.

I cleared my throat, "Sorry. As I was saying, after the makeover, we went to that one restaurant-"

"Au Granite de Lou." Hera said.

"Yeah, that place. Umm… so we went in and they had a special table waiting for us. We were conviently setting by Poseidon and Amphryite… It was pretty awkward…"

"Why do you say that? Did something happen?" Bee asked, leaning over her desk.

"Well, we've just never really gotten along well and…" my voice starting breaking. A tear escaped from my eye. Bee jumped across her desk and patted my head.

She said, "Just let it out. It's not good to keep your emotions bottled up."

I stopped crying after a bit and straightened up. Bee said, "Would like to continue?"

"Yes. After dinner, we went to see a movie."

"What movie?" Bee asked.

"The Little Pony Who Could. It was so inspirational. I cried. Of course Hera didn't…"

"It was a good movie. I just don't see why you would cry at the ending. I mean, sure the littlest pony died, but it died to save a friend."

"Hera, it's not your turn." Bee said. "Zeus, you may continue."

"Okay, after the movie, we went home. The next day we had a meeting with the Olympians. The day after that, I took Hera to Mt. Fuji to try skiing. She was a natural at it. Me… not so much. And the day after that, I went to Camp Half-Blood to check and see if any of the kids were mine because ah… And then the next day I met with Annabeth to discuss the construction of a new temple for me. I'm trying to decide which pose to use for my statue."

"You never told me you went to Camp!" Hera said.

"Uh… and the next was uh… today. So I guess I'm done." I said.

"Very well. Hera, please tell me about your week." Bee said.

"I would delighted. Well, as Zeus already said, we had a date night. The Little Pony Who Could was a movie that Zeus picked out. I would have much rather preferred Hammer IV. I heard that it's so bloody that it's funny!" Hera said.

"It is!" Bee agreed. Hera and Bee started talking about Hammer IV. I thought about The Little Pony Who Could. It was a beautiful movie. They cast it so well. The whole plot was wonderful. It started out where the little pony didn't believe in himself. But with the help of friends, he overcame that fear and saved everyone at the surprise ending. I won't spoil it for you, in case you want to go see it.

Bee cleared it's throat. "Hera, you can continue."

"Zeus took me skiing like he said before. Then, I went on the annual MC trip to Water Land."

"That's where the tee shirt came from!" I said. I found it this morning on the dresser. That's what I'm wearing right now. I even have matching swimming trunks!

"And then Annabeth came and met with me about a temple. Oh how I detest that girl. She is just not right. I just hope she doesn't mess up with the temple…"

"Oh, it'll be alright, Hera." Bee said, patting Hera's hand.

"She'd better hope so." Hera said.

"So, do you guys have anything more that you want to discuss right now?" Bee asked.

"No, I don't think so." Hera and I both said.

"Okay, well if you ever need to talk just call me." She handed us each a business card with her number on it. "Your next appointment is for next Wednesday. And have a nice day!" Bee said as she pushed us out of her office.

There standing in the entrance was none other than Hades and Persephone. "Zeus?" Hades asked me.

"What are you doing here?" I snickered.

He gritted his teeth. "I'm just here to err… ALRIGHT! We're in a bit of a bumpy stage right now. And everyone says that Bee's the master for this stuff. So that's why we're here!"

"Bee is the master. Bee will smooth over all the rough patches. Bee really is good!" Hera said.

"Well uh… we'd better be going…" I said.

"Ah… yes. We've got an appointment. Don't want to be late…" Hades said. He hesitantly stuck out a hand for me to shake. I reached out and shook it. It wasn't so bad. I let go soon and laughed a nervous laugh. Hades laughed nervously as well.

I cleared my throat. "See you later." Hera and I walked out the door.

**I hope this chapter was a little more funny. Well, maybe not. Did you guys like the awkward meeting between Zeus and Hades? REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW!**


	4. Uh Oh!

**DISCLAIMER:**

**Zeus: This is not Rick Riordian. If it were, what's about to happen wouldn't have.**

**Hera: Yes, how could you, mysterious writer?**

**Me: I'm EVIL! Mwah hah hah!**

**Zeus: *screams like a little girl and runs away***

**Hera: Hmpt... *walks away***

**I just want to thank everyone who reads this. And especially everyone who reviews. You guys guys are the best!**

"That Persephone. She just keeps getting paler and paler. And did you see how skinny she was. It makes me wonder…" Hera started into one of her rants. I decided to tune her out like I always do.

We passed by a newsstand and I stopped to pick up the latest copy of CosmoGod. I was the main picture of this weeks issue. It was when we were walking around and I saw the lady with the toilet paper stuck to her shoe. The caption said, "Are Zeus and Hera Finally Done?" I turned to the article. The picture showed me smiling and looking at the woman as she walked by. Hera was giving me a dirty look. The toilet paper woman had apparently been interviewed. I read what she said:

Interviewer: "Are you and Zeus in a relationship?"

TP Lady: "Oh yes, Zeus and I are completely in love."

Interviewer: "Does Hera know?"

TP Lady: "It's obvious their relationship isn't working out. I just hope she doesn't take it too personally. Let's face it, Zeus just needs someone who younger. I mean, how old is Hera anyways?"

Interviewer: "Well, she's a god, so she's over 2,000 years old.

TP Lady: "My gosh! That certainly is old!"

Interviewer: "Zeus is the same age."

TP Lady: "At least Zeus doesn't show his age."

Interviewer: "Don't you think you should show some more respect to Lady Hera?"

TP Lady: "I'm not afraid of the goddess of marriage. I don't plan on marrying unless he's rich, anyways!"

Interviewer: "Thank you Miss Miller for the interview. May the gods have mercy on your soul."

TP Lady: "What's that supposed to mean?"

Interviewer: "I'm sure you'll find out…"

I closed the magazine. "I don't think the gods will have mercy on her soul." an evil voice said from behind me. I jumped and saw Hera standing there, a gleam in her eye.

"Uh… Hera Honey, are you okay?"

She looked over at me and smiled. "Why yes, of course I am." Then she laughed and walked away.

Well, that's not good… "Encore showing of The Little Pony Who Could!" a voice yelled from in front of a movie theater. I made a bee-line straight for it.

"One ticket for The Little Pony Who Could, please!" I said to the lady behind the desk.

"Regular, 3D, or virtual reality?"

"Whoa! They have virtual reality now?!? That's what I want!"

"Here you go, theater 1232. Enjoy."

"Thanks!" I yelled as I skipped inside. I made my way to theater 1232 and sat down.

An usher came up to me and said, "Here is your special suit. Now don't eat any of the candy while you're in there."

"OKAY!" I shouted as I changed into the suit. The theater went dark and suddenly I was zapped into the movie. "YIPPEE!"

**Meanwhile, in Hera's POV**

"So, Miss Miller is it?"

"Uh… yeah. What's it to ya?"

"Did you call me old… and do you believe that my powers are not as magnificent to the other god's?"

"You're the goddess of marriage. What's the worst you can do to me? Make my marriage sour?"

"I think you're forgetting that my symbol is the peacock… and the cow." I said with a cold laugh.

"Okay. Thanks for the zoology lesson."

"You'll defiantly be thanking me later!" I told her as I zapped her. The once beautiful form of Kristen Miller was now a cow.

"MOOOOOO!" said the black and white Holstein cow.

"You're a heifer!" I said as I walked out of the alley way. It's good to be a god.

**Zeus's POV, just after the movie**

"I see pretty colors, and rainbows!" I said. I was all dizzy and felt like I was flying.

"Umm… Lord Zeus, did you eat the candy?" a funny looking usher asked.

"Yay! I'm flying!" I said. I flapped my wings and spun around in circles.

The usher thingy pulled out a phone and said, "911, we need an ambulance at the movie theater."

The last thing I remember was falling asleep as a nice nurse put a gas mask over my face.

**Hera's POV**

RING! RING! I pulled out my iPhone (Iris Phone). "Hello?"

"Hera? This is Dr. Apollo. Could you come to the hospital?"

"Why? What happened?" I asked. Did they find the cow already?

"It's Zeus."

"What?!? What happened?"

"He ate Annatroximopliene."

"What's that?"

"I'll explain everything once you get here." Apollo told me.

"I'm coming, Zeuy!" I yelled to no one as I zapped myself to the hospital.

**Thanks so much! Please tell me what you thought of this chapter. What will happen to Zeus? Will he and Hera stay together? Will Kristen Miller turn back into a woman? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? The world may never know.**

**REVIEW!**


	5. Zeus Is a Pony?

**So, it's been a really long time since I've updated... I'm sorry, I've just been really busy. Well, I hope you like this chapter!**

**DISCLAIMER: PJO no mine.**

**Hera's POV**

"APOLLO! TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG WITH ZEUS!" I yelled, my voice deep.

Apollo sighed, "I told you already, Zeus ate Annatroximopliene."

"But what is it?" I asked.

Apollo sighed, "Well, it's a type of drug that makes your appearance change into "Cute and Cuddly". We're not sure where he found this stuff, because it's been illegal since 1981."

"I just want to see my Zeus, Apollo!" I said, darn near tears.

"He's in room 12... But he doesn't look like himself!" Apollo yelled as I ran to the doorway of room 12. I opened the door and gasped in horror. There was a small, pink pony lying in the bed. It had tattoos of rainbows and hearts all over its body. It had a purple mane and blue eyes.

"Apollo?" I called out the doorway.

Apollo zapped himself in front of me. "Yes Hera."

"Which room is Zeus in? I think you made a mistake. There's a little pony in here." I pointed to the small horse.

"There's no mistake Hera. That's the God of Lightning right there. Maybe a haiku will explain things better:

'Zeus ate some bad stuff

Now he's all cute and cuddly

When'll he be normal?'

"Yes, I guess that did explain things better. Now shoo so I can yell at my husband!" I slammed the door in Apollo's face and went over to Zeus's bed.

"Why?!?" I demanded.

"I'm the little pony who could!" he said, his voice in a daze.

"ZEUS! LISTEN TO ME! WHAT HAPPENED?" I yelled, my voice getting deep.

"Lalalala! I'm a pony! Yippee!" Zeus sang to himself.

I stomped out of the room and out of the hospital. I knew where Zeus ate the (long word) stuff. I was on a mission… and you don't stop a woman on a mission.

**Zeus POV**

"Ponies… Ponies… Ponies… I love ponies! Lalalala!" I sang to the nurse that was in this groovy room. The walls were spinning and I felt like I was floating!

"Set still honey. This'll only hurt for a minute." She stuck a needle into my butt and I screamed. With my eyes overflowing in tears, I fell asleep.

**Still Zeus's POV, just later on**

"And then what happened, Zeus?" Bee asked, leaning forward in its chair.

"I woke up and I was me again! But that meant no more pony…" I said. I crossed my arms. Bee reached across its desk and patted my arm.

"It's okay Zeus, let it out, honey." Once I stopped crying, Bee said, "Hera, what did you do after you left the hospital?"

Hera said, "I went straight to that theater that was playing 'The Little Pony Who Could'. It turns out that they didn't even have a movie theater licenses!"

"And what's going to happen next?" Bee asked.

"I'm suing the theater and Happy Films Production Company. Our trial is next Saturday at ten o'clock. It's mean a lot if you could come."

"Wouldn't miss it for Mt. Olympus!" Bee said.

"Anything else you want to say before we leave, Zeus?" Hera asked, her voice like honey.

"No, I don't think so." I said. I stood up and walked out the door with Hera right behind me. Standing in the door way was none other than Hades and Persephone, again!

"Hades, Persephone." my wife said, her voice now like acid.

"I'm going to go on in." Persephone whispered to Hades. She fled the room.

"I'll be outside, honey." Hera called as she opened the door and left the building.

"So…" I said to my brother.

"So…" he said.

"Uh… how's the Underworld?"

"Business is good. People die all the time." he said.

Silence.

"What's Bee been doing with guys?" I asked.

"Oh, we've only been once, but now Persephone will actually talk to me!" Hades said.

"Oh… That's good…" I nodded.

Silence.

"I heard you guys are suing Happy Films Production Company."

"Yep." I told him.

"I hope that goes well…"

"Uh huh."

Silence.

"I'd better go. It was nice uh… seeing you." Hades held out his hand. I grasped and shook it briefly.

"Have a good day." I muttered as I walked out the door.

I was glad I wasn't pink anymore!

**Thanks for reading and please review!**


	6. Hera Has a Panic Attack

**I'm getting really bad about updating this... And I know, this chapter is short, but work with me here.**

**DISCLAIMER: PJO iiiiiiiiisssssssssssss !!!!!!**

**Zeus's POV**

"Zeus, come on honey! We have to be at the courtroom into twenty minutes!" Hera yelled from our kitchen.

"I'll be there in a jiffy!"

I looked at myself in the mirror. Man, am I a handsome devil or what?

"Zeus," Hera shouted with her man voice. "Come on! We have to go, now!"

I stepped out of the bedroom and into the hallway where Hera was waiting for me.

She took a look at me and rolled her eyes. "Zeus, I told you to use my cover-up makeup to hide that tattoo. And you were supposed to comb your hair the other way. The purple mane is still showing."

"But I like this tat, woman!" I pointed to the little lavender and yellow flower. It had a rainbow border. I snickered. Hera thinks it's too girly, and I said that real men wear pink. Then she said…

Hera's eyes narrowed. "NOW!" she roared in her deep, deep man voice.

I ran into the bathroom and grabbed Hera's makeup kit.

"Zeus, bring it all. The cab is here. I'll fix you up on the way there."

I scooped up the various beauty supplies and ran out the door and into the Grey Sister's Taxi.

"Ladies, come on. Pick up the pace. We have a trial to get to," Hera said to the three "women" in the front seat. They just grunted.

I turned to Hera. "Shouldn't we keep the tattoo uncovered up so we have proof that I was a pony?" I was trying to use my smarticals to keep my manly tat.

"We have plenty of pictures of you during that period of time. Besides, we don't want to people to think your…" Hera seemed to stop to consider her word choice. "…feminine."

"Like a cat?" I wondered as she started plucking my eyebrows. _Wait a minute! _"HERA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BUSHES?"

Hera replied, not even stopping her work, "I'm making you look decent. Your eyebrows are worse than a mountain man's."

I rolled my eyes as Hera continued to pluck and pluck the poop out of my eyebrows.

"We're here," a gravely voice said from the front.

"Great," I mumbled. I started to get out of the cab when Hera pulled me back in.

"Hold on," she said sweetly. "Let me just… umm… add some color to your err… skin.

She hesitantly took out this pencil thingamabob and drew something on my forehead.

"That tickles!" I laughed. She was drawing right where my eyebrows were.

She stopped drawing and looked at me. I tried to smile one of my Elvis smiles.

"Oh Lordy Pete…" she muttered.

"What?" I wondered, stepping out of the taxi and into a mob of paparazzi.

They all opened their mouths to speak, and then just held them there, suspended in mid air.

"Hey everybody! What's going on?" I tried to liven up the party.

"Zeus, come on," Hera yanked my forward, past the paparazzi (who were still standing in awe of me, I might add). "Wait here," she mumbled and walked up to a receptionist's desk. I sat down in a small, wooden chair.

"Hi little girl. What're you doing here?" I asked the small child that was sitting next to me. She had pale blonde ringlets and she couldn't take her eyes off me.

She giggled.

"What? Is there a booger up my nose?" I tried to blow my nose on my handkerchief. No boogers.

She giggled again.

"Umm… what's so funny, little girl?"

She giggled again.

"Little girl! You better answer me!" I shouted at the small, blonde girl.

She got up and ran away.

Suit yourself…

"Zeus, is something the matter?" Hera asked me. She was still at the desk.

"NO. I just can't figure out why that little girl was laughing at me…"

"What little girl? I don't see a little girl. Are you sure that's what you saw?"

"Uh, yes! There was a little girl in here. I swear!"

"Zeus, you- no, never mind. Just read one of those magazines over there." she turned her attention back to the front desk.

I looked at the magazines. The most recent one was about a week old. The front cover read: "Breaking News: Kristen Miller is Set to Testify Against Hera". It showed a picture of a cow and then to the side, the woman that I saw so long ago…

"Zeus, come on!" Hera urged, pulling the magazine out of my hands.

"Yeah, I'm co-"

"OHMIGOSH! This can't be…" Hera muttered, her face pale with shock.

"What?"

"This-" Hera pointed to the picture on the magazine. "How-" she shook her head. "She can't-" Hera smacked herself in the forehead. "This is going to-" Hera fell backwards and landed with a thump.

I bent down and whispered, "Hera Beara, are you okay?"

No response.

"Hera?" I asked with no response again. "Hera," I said more urgently.

"Is everything okay, son?" an old lady asked. I turned to locate the voice. It was the receptionist.

"Er… Hera pas- she went ker-plunck!" I said, my hands demonstrating what happened.

"I'll call an ambulance. Right now you need to get to Court 12."

"But Hera is supposed to do all the talking. She told me I was just here for moral support."

"Go, now!" the old lady yelled at me. Suddenly, a wind was pushing me down the hallway and straight into a door.

BANG! I fell backwards as I hit the door. I reached up and felt my nose. Blood was slowly trickling down from it. I took out my hankie and stuffed it up my nose. I had to do this for Hera! I opened the door and marched down the aisle.

**I warned you that it was short! Anyways, please review!!!**

**I would appreciate it if you could check out my newest story, Through the Looking Glass. It's been pretty popular, so check it!**


	7. The End

**Hey guys. :) I'm really sorry it's been so long getting another chapter up. I'm sure several of you have already lost faith in the story. I just wanted to let you know that this is the last chapter. I should have left it as a one shot, because my heart's just not in it, and hasn't been since the second chapter. I'm sorry you had to wait this long, and I'm sorry if you're disappointed with this. :(**

**Please do enjoy, and special thanks to each and every one of you who have stuck with this pitiful story. **

_Happy Films Productions Vs. Zeus and Hera_

_Ten o'clock Saturday morning. It was a day to be remembered, the case of Happy Films Productions Versus Zeus and Hera._

_It's rumored that Hera, goddess of marriage and queen of the gods, had a panic attack just prior to the hearing, leaving her less-than-apt husband to defend the case. Zeus, god of the skies and king of the gods, showed up to the court with one crucial thing missing: eyebrows. Zeus still showed signs of Annatroximopliene poisoning: purple hair, flower tattoos, and a pinkish glowing of the skin._

_No one could deny the fact of Zeus' condition, nor that the Happy Films Production did provide him with the illegal substance. However, stunning new evidence shows that Hera and her husband Zeus have a history of abusing their power, which led to a counter-sue._

_"This is one of the worst cases I've seen in my two thousand plus years on the job. There is simply no excuse," the Supreme justice, Nemesis, goddess of retribution, had to say of the case._

_Kristen Miller, a victim of Hera's rage, had this to say: "I'm not surprised that this runs deeper than my case. I mean, she turned me into a cow! There's no telling how many others this has happened to. I think we need to band together and get something done!"_

_Happy Films Productions were charged with illegal possession and attempted murder of Zeus, and were fined 1.2 billion drachmas. Their license was revoked, and is immediately in effect. Hera and Zeus were counter-charged with power abuse, and must pay 500 drachmas to each individual whom was affected by their 'rage'. If you or a loved one were victim to their merciless abuse, you are urged to call the Stop Power Abuse hotline at 1-800-NO ABUSE, or 1-800- 662-2873._

"Dave, what do you reckon this is?" a small, dark headed boy asked, holding the newspaper article out to his friend.

The blonde boy, Dave, read the story, his brows creased. Finally, he said, "This Zeus guy sounds like an old bat!"

Thunder boomed in the distance.

"And what about the Hera chick? She had a panic attack just before the court meeting thing? Who does that?" the other boy, Jeff snickered.

The distinct _moo! _of a cow could be heard in the distance, as well.

"Where'd you even get this, Jeff?" Dave asked, crumbling it up in a ball.

"It just floated down from the sky. I dunno where it came from."

"Huh," Dave muttered, tossing the paper over his shoulder. "It's mighty strange, don't cha think?"

Jeff opened his mouth to speak, but then stopped, as he felt giant raindrops fall on himself and the ground.

"I didn't think it was supposed to rain today," Dave said.

"It wasn't," Jeff said. "We've had a drought for the past two years! There was no rain in the forecast."

"I guess it's a miracle then," Dave smiled. "God Almighty is watching from above."

A loud, booming laugh erupted from behind the two boys. Dave and Jeff whipped around to see who it could be.

"_Gods, _actually," the woman said. She had ivory skin, auburn hair, and a regal look about her.

"Who're you?" Dave asked, staring at the strangers. There was a man standing beside the woman… tall, dark, and handsome. Except for the fact that half his hair was purple and the other half grey. His skin seemed to glow pale pink, and he had no eyebrows.

"You're Zeus and Hera, aren't you?" Jeff asked.

The man smiled, and small flicks of electricity seemed to bounce from his bushy beard. "I'm Zeus, king of the gods, and ruler of the skies. This is my lovely wife, Hera, my equal, and the queen of the gods."

The sandy blond haired child stood there, his mouth agape. Jeff punched him in the arm and whispered something. Then, the two turned and tried to run.

"Where are you going, boys? We haven't had a chance to get to know each other," Hera said coldly, her eyes gleaming. She raised her hand up, and Jeff and Dave rose into the air, following the hand movements.

Both the boys screamed like two little girls.

"L-let us down," Dave said through sobs. "Please."

"Zeusy Pie, should I let them down?" Hera asked.

"They called me an old bat! Do I look like a bat?" Zeus exclaimed, throwing his arms into the air.

"Well honey…" Hera muttered. Zeus looked offended.

"If you're gonna kill us, would you do it now?" the black headed Jeff said, crying as well.

Hera shrugged her shoulders. "Would you like me to kill you?"

Both the boys' eyes widened. They both opened their mouths to speak, but found that they couldn't.

"No answer?" Zeus asked.

Hera laughed. "I guess I'll teach them a lesson about trash-talking the gods." She snapped her fingers, and the boys fell to the ground with a _thud!_

Jeff immediately clutched his left arm, pain splattered on his face. Dave just laid there, a vacant expression on his face.

"Did you just kill that boy?" Zeus asked, stepping closer to the duo.

"Drats, he's still breathing. They both are!" Hera shouted.

"Maybe we should leave them-"

"Need I remind you they called you an old bat?" Hera snapped.

Zeus' eyes narrowed. "Let there be blood."

Hera smiled at her husband's sudden bloodlust. "Gladly," she agreed, and stepped forward, as a whole herd of cattle flanked her. "This'll be the best 500 drachmas I've ever spent!"

**I warned you, it wasn't very good. Oh well... I'd appreciate it if you'd review this chapter, you know, and tell me what you thought. **

**If you actually have enjoyed my writing, check out my current story, Through the Looking Glass. **

**And thank you. I've enjoyed each one of your reviews. They all made me smile. :)**


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